Name a Worse Movie I Dare You (A Pinocchio in Space Review)
Oh boy Misfits, we finally did it, we watched Pinocchio in Space. And let me tell you what it was most certainly a movie. If you haven't already I highly recommend listening to our discussion on the Misfits and Mysteries podcast. You can find it on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast platform. You can also listen using the embedded podcast player at the end of the blog.
A quick summary of this film. Pinocchio is turned into a puppet again for abusing animals and then for some inconceivable reason, Gepeddo gave a wooden puppet lunch money and rather than going to school which is all Pinocchio has to do to turn into a real boy again, he gets scammed and goes to outer space where he blows up Mars and kills a space whale. I wish I was kidding this is literally the entire plot of this movie. And it's so much worse than it sounds. Like it’s not even very funny.
I’m honestly not even exactly sure where to start with this one. I think the best way to do this is to just jump in head first.
If you would like to torture yourself please feel free to watch this awful film on Youtube.
So Pinocchio in space starts off with a random Eastern European looking fellow yelling at me in a language I do not understand before the video cuts to about two minutes of static and the film begins. I think this is probably a byproduct of the sketchy ripped version we watched for free on Youtube. If you’re a psycho you can purchase this film on Amazon but you would have to be a true sadist to do that to yourself.
The actual film starts off with some really old lady and the Blue Fairy who is white for some reason complaining about all the space traffic. Then she makes some off-handed comment about Pinocchio and the blue fairy says something about how Pinocchio is going to be a hero again and turn into a real boy. Then she explains that he was turned back into a puppet because he was being a dick head and abusing his dog.
Then some awful knock off Christmas sounding music plays and you see a montage of Geppedo and Pinocchio hanging out in his creepy ass toy factory? Does he sell toys or just clocks and happens to have a sentient marionette? I genuinely do not know what Gepeddo’s motives are but his obsession with little boys makes me think the townspeople might call him Gepedophile behind his back.
I would also like to use this as an opportunity to point out how in the original Disney version of Pinocchio, someone painstakingly drew and painted each frame of the animated film by hand. The Disney version was truly a labor of love. Pinocchio in Space, on the other hand, is some half assed low budget animation. The only distinction between wooden and real boy Pinocchio in this film is that he has a cork for a nose when he is a puppet.
Now back to the plot, if you can even call this a plot. For some reason there is an angry space whale? Apparently whales can live in Space and when they do they have rocket boosters built in? It’s a weird evolutionary path to take, but who am I to judge? I think the whale’s name was Monstro, but to be honest I don’t want to know. This movie was so bad I’d like to forget it ever existed. So Pinocchio wants to go to space and capture this space whale to make his father rich, but they don’t really explain how that would make him rich nor do they ever even attempt to make it clear why this is something a little boy thinks he needs to do.
And now for the most egregious plot point that basically drives this whole movie. For some reason that I cannot remotely comprehend outside of advancing the plot of this stupid film, Geppedo gives Pinocchio a quarter to purchase lunch at school. Why the FUCK does a wooden puppet need money for lunch??? He’s made of FUCKING wood. He literally isn’t alive, he doesn’t need to eat food. Why the FUCK is Geppedo giving lunch money to a wooden puppet who does not need to eat to survive? This bothered me way more than it should have but honestly it just set the tone for this awful film.
Pinocchio is instructed to go to school and be a good boy, that's all he needs to do to become a real boy again. Plain and simple, just don’t FUCK up. All you have to do is go to school and not abuse your dog. These are literally the easiest parameters to follow in the world and he still finds a way to royally fuck up.
On his walk to school which seems to literally never end, Pinocchio is approached by a Fox and what was either a cat or a skunk, I honestly couldn’t tell, named Mr. Groovy. What happens next is truly a crime against humanity. The fox and Mr. Groovy sang the most repulsive song for about 15 straight minutes. Emmy literally had to skip this scene because it was making her so angry. I literally wanted to puke. I think this song is a crime against humanity and honesty should be considered cruel and unusual punishment.
So Mr. Groovy and his fox friend change their motives real quickly. They start off by wanting to eat Pinocchio, but quickly realize he is actually a wooden boy and decide to scam him instead. They sell him a hypnosis book written by B.A. Fraud. I give them credit for that one, that was pretty clever. They then leave Pinocchio and resume singing that god forsaken song. Pinocchio tries to hypnotize some ducks and turns out he has no idea what he’s doing and thinks he did it successfully because he confuses a dummy duck for a real one.
Then out of nowhere, a freaking Turtle crash lands right next to him. He’s a space captain and actually a Twortal? Honestly I refuse to do any research to fact check myself. One viewing was enough torture for one lifetime. Pinocchio then convinces this older gentleman that he knows hypnosis, which he absolutely does not and hops into a complete strangers spaceship because he wants to hunt Monstro I think? Honestly his motives make no sense, he wants to be a real boy and to do that all he needs to do is go to school, but he also wants to make his dad rich and despite no monetary value attached to Monstro's capture, Pinocchio decides that will make him rich somehow.
The two then arrive on Mars which they keep referring to as the red planet despite the planet being bright white. To be fair, we did watch a bootleg ripped version off Youtube so the video and audio quality might be better on a legit copy. I don’t want to give them any credit though, this movie is so bad I really wouldn’t put it past them to have awful production quality. On Mars they encounter space crabs. Of all the creatures they could have created space crabs. It makes no goddamn sense. Why crabs ? why not be creative and create an all new alien species? So basically they waste a lot of our precious free time that we will never get back on Mars. And they can't find the Martians; it looks like they were all killed by Monstro. Then they get attacked by an anatomically inaccurate dinosaur and somehow blow up a nuclear reactor and genocide an entire planet.
Unfortunately for the viewer, Pinocchio escapes the explosion and flies off the safety. On their way back to Earth, they are pursued and swallowed by Monstro. And again to my dismay Pinocchio does not slowly die inside of a whale’s stomach. They sort of just give up and then the Blue Fairy arrives and is like hey what's up Pinocchio use your head. Then the producer of this garbage hits you over the FUCKING head with what I can only imagine has to be the lesson of this movie, “nothing you learn is wasted.” Honestly I don’t know for sure that this was the lesson I was supposed to learn but they bluntly hit me over the head with it and never addressed it again. The two escape from Monstro through his blowhole and bend part of the ship and when Monstro chases them, it hypnotizes him somehow. They then are going into earth's orbit really fast and Pinocchio decides he doesn’t want to kill the space whale so he gets out of the ship and I think cuts him loose or something? Honestly I was so mentally checked out at this point I was barely following along.
Pinocchio then wakes up a real boy in his bed and I guess he’s a hero? Honestly Pinocchio does nothing heroic in this entire fucking film. In fact all he does is break the rules more and actually doesn't help anyone. To recap, he got scammed and didn’t buy lunch. He went to outer space with a strange older man instead of going to school. He committed genocide on a planet. He never actually learned hypnosis and the whale just so happened to get hypnotized because it was a convenient plot point. If I’m being honest here, he should not have turned into a real boy, he didn’t do anything this entire film except cause trouble. The biggest tragedy is that Pinocchio didn't just burn up upon entry and end this god awful movie 20 minutes in.
I give this movie a 1/10. I love bad movies but this one is just too bad. I cannot recommend watching this film on your own. You might go insane. If you do want to hear more discussion about the film and some funny commentary check out our latest episode! Also please feel free to draw me what you think Pinocchio in Sauce would look like.
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