Funniest Amazon Product Reviews (How to Avoid Huge Ships & A Gronking to Remember)
On the latest episode of Misfits and Mysteries I brought back Amazon Reviews and we came in hot with two great books you can buy right now on Amazon. How to Avoid Huge Ships and A Gronking to Remember.
You can listen to the full episode on our website, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform.
How to Avoid Huge Ships
Here are some of our favorite Amazon reviews from the book "How to Avoid Huge Ships"
This Book Helps Me Find Strength When I Need it Most
This 5 star review was written by The Bumble on April 25th 2015. You can find the original review here.
"I don't know if it was the pressure of early adult life or the demands of college, but I began to experiment with huge ships in my late teens. I began by looking at huge ship magazines in the basement when my parents weren't around. Then one day, my mom came home early and unexpectedly caught me in the act. Both of my parents were furious. They asked me where I go the magazine from and I said I found it and that I thought it only contained articles on small watercraft. As a result, I started to sneak out at night, telling my parents that I was headed to a friend's house to watch Full House, but in reality, I was in the library, reading up on huge ships. As my career developed, I found an apartment that I could afford and I moved out of my parents’ house. My interest in huge ships only grew. My apartment became a center for trafficking huge ship paraphernalia: model huge ships, pictures, of huge ships; life preserves – you name it. Eventually some neighbors complained and the owner of the apartment building had me evicted. By that time, I was so far gone that I didn’t care and I moved into a hostel. It was the perfect place to continue my pursuit of huge ships. The rent was cheap, drifters came and went, everyone minded their own business, and once in a while a new person would come along with scale models of huge ships in Turkey. We had a lot of wild nights and I was having trouble holding down my job. Eventually got fired.
One day it dawned on me that if I don't get away from huge ships, I'll end up dead. By pure luck, I ran into a fellow who went through the same thing and he recommend Trimmer's book. Between the book and my support group, I made progress and got back on my feet again.
Last night I almost turned left out of the parking lot instead turning right, as I've done routinely for the last 6 months. Turning left would have meant that I was heading to the Port of Baltimore where huge ships are present everywhere: horns blowing, sailors lashing gear to decks, and merchants teasingly gesturing to the gangplanks as they ask passersby if they want to go for a voyage on a great, big, huge ship. I started to imagine the wakes in the bay and the frolicking of tugs as they pull and push these huge ships in and out of the port. There was a burning desire inside of me: my mouth started to salivate; my hands were trembling; and my eyes darted left and right as they searched for an answer. I thought that maybe I could just go to the port and find one or two huge ships and it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Call it a voice in my head, an angel on my shoulder, or Trimmer's book in my glove box, but I turned right and headed home instead. My support group had a meeting last night and I told them about my near stumble. It felt good to tell everyone that I did not fall victim to weakness. I have my beloved support group and my dearest John W. Trimmer to thank for 6 months - huge ship free."
A Book of Hate Speech Posing as Advice
This 1 star review was written by John Petty on January 12th 2017. You can find the original review here.
"As a huge ship myself, I'm hurt and offended that the author of this disreputable tract would suggest that I be avoided. Life is difficult enough as a huge ship in a world of sailboats, but now to be vilified like this is more than anyone should have to bear. Although Federal guidelines exist regarding accessibility requirements to accommodate huge ships - we need extra-wide docking space in retail centers and restaurants, for instance - I can tell you that they are rarely followed, leading to pain, discomfort, and embarrassment when I attempt to go out in public. The plight of the huge ship in society is rarely discussed; it seems that people would rather ignore us - hence the title of this reprehensible book - then to take the time to get to know us and appreciate our unique needs and common desires, leading to misunderstanding and resentment on both sides. Oh yes, I hear you, you kayaks and catamarans, snickering behind my stern when I go by. Don't think I don't. I hear all the jokes: "Wow, check out the wake on that one!" or "When you sit around the port, you really sit AROUND the port!" We don't want to be seen as different, or ugly, or nautically challenging, we just want to be recognized as contributing members of society, the same as everyone else. So the next time you see a huge ship, please don't ignore it. Step up and say, "Hello, how are you?" You might just make a friend for life."
A Parents Review
This 5 star review was written by Noel D Hill on February 20th 2011. You can find the original review here.
"As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships."
A Gronking to Remember
Here are some of our favorite Amazon reviews from the book "A Gronking to Remember"
I Craved More Gronking
This 5 star review was written by Jake on January 4th 2015. You can find the original review here.
"When you are a connoisseur of Patriots tight-end themed erotica like I am, it has been a long, dry period these past few years. Of course, the pinnacle of the genre--2011's "A Tale of Two Tight Ends" is unlikely to have a sequel written (unless it's prison-based...idea!). So I've had to muck about with subpar offerings from fans of other teams. "Doinking Connor Barth", "A Teddy for Bridgewater", even the highly acclaimed "Giving Aaron Rodgers (Cheese)Head"...none of these measure up when you are a die-hard Pats jacker like I am.
That's why "A Gronking to Remember" is so refreshing. It's a 9-route into my heart and loins. It's as if Ms. Noonan gazed into my wanting soul and delivered exactly the sort of sweaty Gronk-pounded jizzfest that all Pats fans can be proud of and indeed embrace. The plotting is intricate--you will never believe how (and how often) Gronk gets all up in that badonk-a-donk! And when Gronk "spikes" the "football" on her "face" and in her "eye", it's nothing short of technical mastery. The characterization is also fantastic. Just like a regular season game in London, the journey is long and arduous, but this book will probably have more fans and is more fulfilling.
So whether you're a New England housewife looking to spice things up, another closeted Pats fan looking for some good spank material (no judging), or Roger Goodell lying sleepless in a lonely New York hotel room again, this book has all the satisfying Gronking you'd ever want and need. You will laugh, you will cry, you will wish that NFL players didn't have legal protections over their names, images and likenesses. HIGHLY recommended."
Move Over Christian Grey You've Been Gronked
This 4 star review was written by USMC-cb on January 23rd 2015. You can find the original review here.
"As Tolstoy wrote in "War and Peace," "Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself."
I would suspect this may have been ghostwritten by Tolstoy with this excerpt: "Look at me, ungh, splitting my own seam, oohh...going deep. You like how I work my slot receiver, like a tight end. Like Gronkowski."
Do you see what I mean? It damn near screams plagiarism. My suspicions were put to rest when I did a little research and learned that Leo Tolstoy passed away 105 years ago.
When I picked up this gem of modern literature and browsed through it, it was as if Lacey Noonan channeled the literary greats of the past, taking her place among such literary minds as J.D. Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, and Ernest Hemingway. Leonardo Da Vinci has the "Mona Lisa." Michelangelo has "David." If wordplay is an art, Noonan has a "Gronking to Remember."
This is where our heroine, Leigh, comes in. In the shadow of Shakespeare's, "Romeo and Juliet," it's as if New England Patriots are the "Montagues" and the New York Jets are the "Capulets." Leigh's longing to be Gronked is shameful, but the heart wants what it wants, Leigh has no control over that much in the same way that Juliet had no control for wanting her lady parts to be continuously plowed by Romeo.
At times it is difficult to know what Leigh is thinking as she watches football with her husband, Dan. Personally, I don't like twists in literature that leave it up to the reader to decipher what a character is thinking. This excerpt is just one example of a lack of specifics in context: "Mr. Gronkowski f###ing my a## with warping power at the Fifty Yard Line." I'm not a mind reader; I don't want to have to guess. It is for this reason that I gave this novel 4 stars instead of 5. Don't leave me hanging, the author's job is to deliver specifics and get the message across.
The ending I thought could have used a little more imagination. A drunken Leigh is thrown into the end zone by her husband just as Gronkowski has scored a touchdown. She is directly beneath him as he raises the ball for his patented "Gronk" TD celebration, and he spikes the ball directly into her holy grail as she's on all fours, offering herself to him. Not that a rushed conclusion to a magnificent piece of writing can ruin it, but an ending like that is predictable.
This is just the first of what is to be an epic saga. Overall, I have to say Noonan wrote one for the ages and might have doomed herself by leaving a lot open for an entire series of Gronking. She will be challenged to make the second novel as good as or better than this one."
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